FUUUUUUUUUUUK. Consistency, Burnout, and Self-Doubt.

How has it been two months.

The hardest thing about writing, actually, the hardest thing about anything, is consistency. Do something well once, great, well done, give yourself a pat on the back. Doing something well consistently is much harder.

So, writing this dumbo newsletter every fucking week is hard. Evidently, I don’t. But I didn’t expect to just stop.

It’s been plaguing me. I know I should do it. I’ve told people I’m going to do it. People pay me actual, real money to. But I just Can. Not. Be. Bothered.

Incidentally, it’s not just this newsletter. Right now, other than work, it’s pretty much anything¹. The immediate satisfaction of likes and comments and messages is no longer something I care for.

I saw an advert for an app, one of those mindfulness, dopamine detox type things. Its pitch was to put an awkward break in between opening other apps. As well as that, it tried to make you less reliant on scrolling and such.

I didn’t download it. But I have pretty much stopped posting stuff on the internet.

I can’t figure out why I do it. Who’s it for? There’s an endless stream of content on the internet, and I can’t for the life of me figure out the purpose of it all. Or why I’m trying to get involved.

A Job Interview

Summer (ish) of 2012 maybe, not important. I had recently passed my WSET L3 with distinction². I was working for Adnams as a Retail Supervisor, and for whatever the hell reason at the time, I applied for a ‘Trainee Assistant Manager’ role for a wine shop in London³.

I slogged it down to London for the interview, and the guy ripped me to shreds on my wine knowledge, just blindly quizzing me on all sorts of stuff. I think he was showing off under the guise of ‘knowledge being important’.

I didn’t understand quite what happened, but I went home with a big ‘ole case of the-fuck-its towards wine. If this was the industry, then what’s the point?

Get Better

My response to the difficult interview in the end was to try and get better.

I passed my Diploma almost exactly two years to the day later. Passed it all first time too: Merit overall. Not sure if you Diploma graduates out there got this, but again, I lost my wine mojo for a year after passing it.

A few years later, the internet became my vehicle for the MW. A brazen crowdfunding attempt for Stage 1 that worked, morphed into a newsletter that people pay to read to help fund the damn thing. I met a new bunch of people who are now some of my closest friends too.

I documented the process online. It felt fresh, and interesting, and open and transparent, and I thought I had a journey to share.

Then, I didn’t pass. Then I didn’t pass again.

Then I stopped feeling like I had anything worthwhile to contribute.

I read back through some of my old posts, like ‘Essay Writing Tips’ or whatever, and I’m baffled by my own audacity. Looking back and reading some of my ACTUAL ESSAYS, knowing what I know now, just makes me cringe.

I know there are people who dip in and out of this newsletter and probably read it feeling of me exactly what I think of myself right now. Perhaps quietly letting me figure it out myself.

I’ve spent the last month or two simply not giving a shit about the internet, or my place in it. On it. Around it. Near it.

Anyway.

I went to the Three Wine Men event in London this weekend, and more than a few people mentioned they’d missed me on the internet. My absence was apparently noticed.

One person said they actually take the time out to read this newsletter regardless of the fact that some of the content is not always positively thrown in their direction.

One said they miss the stupid videos I used to post on Instagram, someone else commented the same last week.

People who I didn’t (don’t) know came to taste the wines specifically because I was there.

Who knew?

Maybe I’ll get better.

1. I don’t exercise either, haven’t been for a run THIS YEAR so far.

2. Obviously.

3. Not going to say who.