The 7 Stages of Grief

With MW results day behind me I’m processing quite an abrupt end to the MW process.

With MW results day behind me I’m processing quite an abrupt end to the MW process.

Shock

noun

1. a sudden upsetting or surprising event or experience.

Friday morning, 11am(ish) was the MW results day deadline.

If you’ve been around here for a while, there’s a good chance you knew it was coming. I know a lot of you are in, or have friends in the MW programme that were also waiting results the other day. I hope you, or they did better than I did.

I need to quickly cover off some context. This was my 3rd attempt at the Stage 2 Exam. The ‘Big One’. There’s a Theory element (5 x Papers), and a Practical element (3 x Papers) to the exam. By your 3rd attempt you’ve got to pass one or the other to keep going. So far, I’ve not passed either.

I went into my studies this year knowing that I had to pass either tasting or practical. Both would have been nice.

I didn’t pass either. Again. I really thought I’d done enough. I was really, very close on the Theory, I passed 2 of the 5 papers, and C+ on another 2 (less that 5% off a passing grade).

It was a real shock to the system. I’d spend all summer thinking this was going to be the result, but to have it confirmed was quite frankly horrible.

Denial

noun

1. refusal to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion, used as a defence mechanism.

Oddly, with something so matter of fact, it’s hard to deny it. The results are there in black and white. In San Francisco typeface.

I’ve been telling people “I’m fine”, “It’s fine” a lot. I’ve been keeping busy.

I’m looking for a way around the situation.

There’s technical result quirk called a ‘Single Paper Resit’. From the Study Guide, the framework is as follows;

If you achieve over 65% in two theory papers and over 63% in two other theory papers and the fifth theory paper is over 40%, you will be eligible for a SPR.

Now, 2 x B (65%+) and 2 x C+ (60% +), along with the 5th paper getting a C (55%+), plonks me right close to SPR territory. So, I think I might run this by the Institute.

I know a ‘Full Pass’ was needed, an SPR isn’t a full pass. Even if my results technically could have muddled me into SPR territory, it would be a bit pointless anyway. I wouldn’t be eligible to re-sit the single remaining paper. Or would it?

Perhaps my C+ grades were 62% anyway, and I wouldn’t be eligible. But. I NEED TO KNOW.

I wonder if I could propose some sort of agreement within the framework of the study programme that puts another attempt into play?

Maybe, just maybe, it’s not over?

Guilt

noun

1. a feeling of having committed wrong or failed in an obligation.

This is the hardest part for me. To explain it feels dumb. But I’ll try.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed and guilty for not passing. Because I thought I could, and it turns out I can’t. We’ll get onto the anger stage later, but I feel like I’ve let a lot of people down.

I feel like I’ve built my personality on the MW for the last couple of years. I asked people to give me money to follow along and support the process, and many of you obliged.

By not being able to pass the fucking exams, it spoils the contract. I haven’t held up my side of the bargain. I know many of you don’t think that’s the point.

I look back at some of my previous writing, to think that I could write tips, or study guides, or wax lyrical about the intricacies of blind tasting without being able to prove I can do it.

It’s my own fault for attempting this moderately publicly, writing honest accounts of the process, under a false pretence that I could do it.

I listened to a podcast with Johan Reyneke for study this spring, he mentioned that certification for vineyard practices are there to provide external verification for what he says he’s doing. I feel like being a ‘practicing student’ without having the certification to back it up is unfair on anyone who’s listened for the last year or two.

I feel guilty for not being able to pass the exams, while letting you think I could.

Anger

noun

1. a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

I’m angry because I assumed it was possible. Logically, it is possible, there are other MWs. It’s just not possible, for me, and that’s a strong feeling of displeasure right there.

There’s no stereotypical anger directed at anyone other than myself. The IMW rules are clear. The exam is notoriously difficult. The costs are outlined well in advance. The process is tough. You go into the process knowing the likelihood is that you won’t pass, less than 10% of people who join the MW programme become MW’s.

I’ve said before that if it was easy I wouldn’t want to do it. Turns out that if you can’t do it, no matter how hard you try, that feels worse.

If you know me, you’ll know I don’t ‘get angry’. Anger doesn’t manifest itself in the typical way. It’s a sense of confusion, a lack of understanding in why a situation hasn’t panned out the way it should have.

I’m not going to be punching any walls, I’ll just be staring at the ceiling looking completely baffled.

Depression

noun

1. feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

I actually think, looking back at how I approached the summer, withdrawn, quiet, isolated, a lack of motivation in my personal life, that I was probably dealing with this bit before even getting the results.

The final confirmation was a release. I’m sad about it, yes, I understand the reality of the situation.

I will take some time to wallow.

Reconstruction and Acceptance

noun

1. agreement with or belief in an idea or explanation.

You know what though, I’m not ready to accept a life without the MW.

I don’t want to accept these terms. I need to bow out on my own terms. It’s my decision whether to stop or not. It might mean taking a year or two out, and it might involve resitting Stage 1 somewhere down the line.

I’m working through the grieving process of something that doesn’t have to go.

My friend, who found themselves in the same position as me yesterday messaged to say “We need to finish this shit…”.

Maybe I’m just working through the above stages and I’ll get there. A ‘Proud Failure’ if you will, there’s comfort in that.

There’s line from Daniel Kitson that I keep coming back to;

“Taking something out of a life that feels empty, doesn’t make it feel more full”.

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Who Am I Anyway?

Yes, I picked the hardest possible exam in wine to benchmark myself against.

Beyond being the guy that documented himself not passing the MW, who gives a damn about what I’ve got to say anyway?

I am aware that there are other students that have found some comfort in the transparency, and I’m proud of myself for that.

I’ve grappled with this for over a year, it’s the reason I’ve barely written this newsletter, effectively stopped posting on social media etc etc.

In the last 24 hrs people have messaged me to say I don’t need the MW title to earn respect within the wine industry. They’re well placed condolences, platitudes. I appreciate and understand the sentiment, I really do, but they make little impact on my attitude towards myself right now.

Housekeeping:

If you made it this far, well done. Leave a comment.

If I turn OFF paid subscriptions: Substack gives everyone a pro-rata refund, and well quite frankly, I’d quite like to not have bother with that.

If I leave ON paid subscriptions: I’ll have to keep writing about something, I guess.

Solution:

Option A) Tell everyone to STOP paying me any money. I can turn off subscriptions later.

Option B) Find my Mojo. Write more.

I like to think I can do both. Maybe I can’t do either.

dk